ROAD RAGE, or How to Find Nirvana in Baltimore Traffic

i don't think that i ever truly knew what road rage was until i started careening through the streets of baltimore in a car. when i'm behind the wheel of a car (only in baltimore, i find, not places like indiana or at home in oklahoma) it becomes an every-man-for-himself situation. i don't mean that i'm steering toward babies in strollers and jaywalkers (ok, so i'm not steering toward all babies in strollers and jaywalkers), but i've discovered that if you attempt to practice "defensive driving"--you know, hands at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel, politely allowing people to change into your lane, not hollerin' every time someone makes a left turn from the far lane--you will become the hunted, not the hunter. and who wants to be hunted? then again, every day that you live in baltimore and you're not killed you learn to take as god smiling right down on you. i know what i'm talking about, i work in east baltimore.

back to the driving conversation. even though i'm a total mother fucker (can i say mother fucker on this thing? gosh, i hope so, because i don't want the internet police to come after me for my potty mouth. i really better not talk about that kiddie porn ring that i've been running from my desk at the hospital. just kidding, dubya!) anyway, even though i'm a total mother fucker when i'm driving, i get all judgmental of people when they're driving and have road rage. it's so easy for me to like find inner peace and have this total live and let live, zen attitude when i'm not the one driving. i'm sure that this makes terry crazy. picture it: he's driving along, and someone makes the classic "left turn from the far lane, cutting you off and nearly involving you in a horrible, t-bone style fiery mass of twisted metal car wreck" move. you all know the one i'm talking about. steam starts coming out terry's ears, he starts spouting profanities that make me want to secretly dial his parents' number on my cell phone and hold up the receiver, and i get all judgmental about his having road rage. terry, mind you, is normally cool as a cucumber. cooler than a cucumber, even, so it's weird to see him get all riled up.

then again, terry riled up is sorta sexy. maybe i should let him drive more often.