valentine's day ideas

i've gotten caught up in all the hoopla surrounding valentine's day. hell, even friendster has turned pink. it's commercial, it's obnoxious. however, for the second year in a row i am dating someone during this hallowed season (when you give up christianity you have to pick something to be the hallowed season), so i've been banished from the "anti-valentine's day dinners" and "broken hearts club" parties, and i have no choice but to get my boyfriend/significant other/maybe-someday-husband-if-we-ever-get-rid-of-dubya something romantic. and if not romantic, then at least expensive.

i know it's early, but i thought that maybe i'd help you out, dear readers, and provide some ideas for your weekend valentine's gift shopping excursions.

the following is a list of things you can feel free to buy your special someone, as i won't be buying any of them for terry:

1) a heart-shaped box of russell stover chocolates or a whitman's sampler
2) a pony
3) a hooker for when he's in chicago next week
4) hoop earrings
5) the complete works of walt whitman, unabridged
5a) the complete works of emily dickinson, unabridged
5b) the complete works of henry david thoreau, unabridged
5c) the complete works of john steinbeck, unabridged
5d) why i was crazy for 3 years then ended up in my bra in the desert, an autobiography by anne heche
6) manolo blahnik stiletto heels
7) anything from the limited or the limited too
8) dance lessons with richard gere, taught by j-lo
9) tickets to WWE smackdown at first mariner's arena
10) a trip to medieval times at arundel mills
10a) a hooker for while he's at medieval times at arundel mills
11) a keg of beer
12) an electric staple remover
13) a wet-and-dry shopvac
14) a gift certificate to "the lake trout," a restaurant at 4562 Edmondson Ave.
15) bisexual trannie porn

well, there's 15 uber-romantic options. any one of these choices will surely melt your boyfriend/girlfriend/near-stranger's heart. take my word for it!