both hands

adult life has made me a worrier. i don't worry about things like what if i get hit by a bus!? or how am i going to pay my car insurance this month!? instead, i trouble myself with impending events, most of which are months in the future. my neurosis du jour is figuring out where i'm going to live when the lease i've signed with terry is up. in august. that's right, i have four months to make plans, but still i lay in bed at night, mind racing underneath my eye mask. yes, i wear an eyemask, and no, it doesn't say "dream" like carrie bradshaw's.

there are the usual concerns, those that i've already bitched to people about:

• finding a decent apartment that offers a month-to-month lease
• separating all my shit from terry's shit, then buying new shit to replace the shit of terry's that i'd gotten accostomed to, re: nice cookwear
• what to do with my car now that, nearly a year and thousands of dollars later, it's been rebuilt after an unknown assailant destroyed it while it was parked
• along those same lines, how i will adjust to not having a garage spot and therefore not being able to go from my cushy apartment to my cushy garaged car to my cushy grocery store and back again

as i rolled around in bed last night (by myself; don't get too excited) i started thinking about the actual logistics of the move. i thought about terry and i having to get two gallons of white paint to undo all the work we'd done a year before, turning our apartment back into an empty shell, as if we'd never even been there. i'm writing our history, now, on the bedroom wall; and when we leave the landlord will come and paint over it all.

terry told me that his older brother, who doesn't even have a college degree, just put an offer down on a new house. i have two degrees and i'm trying to find a month-to-month lease while considering where in baltimore i can live that i'll be least likely to get mugged. something needs to change.