home.

i've just walked in the door of my parents home. it was absolutely surreal driving down hartford road with my sister, the same road that i've driven down, homeward, as long as i can remember. it's a sweltering day in oklahoma; as much as i bitch about the heat in baltimore, this shit is for real. fo' real, even.

first, let's talk about my flight from baltimore to oklahoma. since, deep down, i was embarrassed to ask my crohn's specialist for a prescription for valium, i put it off until the day before i flew home, then didn't have any when it was time to leave for the airport. driving back from towson with michael on thursday i started talking to him about my fear of flying; predictably, i got a little choked up. lately i've been more scared of flying than of a redneck wearing a grand dragon robe carrying a rope and burning a gay pride flag while quoting the bible. then again, i haven't seen one of those in a while.

the point is, i'm terrified of flying and didn't have any tranquilizers. i combated this by getting to the airport with plenty of time to sit in the "budweiser brewpub" and pound three six-dollar beers. by the time i got on the plane, i'd drunk dialed hilary, michael, and terry. after a nice little drunken nap, i ordered a glass of wine and struck up a conversation with two hysterical women, a mother and daughter, both of whom live in the baltimore suburbs and were sporting inch-long lavender manicures. i heard all about their gay nephew's one-toothed life partner and how johnny one-tooth and his boyfriend ride around the baltimore ghetto on a moped.

good times.

i've spent the last two days at my grandparents house, dodging questions about girlfriends and who i'm moving to new york with--if they found out that i was moving in with my friend amanda, the same girl that my mother told them i dated through college, their heads might explode. i'd have to explain why i wasn't wearing an engagement ring. add to that the fact that i'm not only moving in with amanda but also with hilary, and we've got some kind of jack tripper three's company situation on our hands. the difference is that i didn't have to pretend to be gay to get them to live with me; i had to pretend to be straight, luring them in with my powers of seduction. (god, could i stop lying?)

now i'm home in ponca city, where i'll chill with my parents and sister until tuesday. this is the part of the trip i've been looking forward to most: time to be in the house i grew up in, with the part of my family i don't have to make up stories for. i've taken lots of pictures of the sweeping, open beauty of oklahoma. all you bitches who don't believe that the plains can be pretty are a-gonna get a lesson.

oh, and in the span of two days my accent's come back. that's all for now, y'all.