happy christmas, here's a rock.

the elevators at hopkins hospital are perhaps the worst piece of machinery ever invented. when i say that i'm including nazi gas chambers and the iron maiden. these elevators are much, much worse. they torture in a very different way, one that's more subversive, one that really eats at your psyche slowly and methodically, until you're foaming at the mouth and your brain's turned to so much grape jelly. after pushing the button to go in either direction, you're subjected to a fifteen-minute-plus wait for an elevator, which when it finally comes is completely full. full of sick patients or yelping lab animals. when you've squeezed yourself in between them, you have to stop on literally every floor between yours and your destination. each time the elvator slowly grinds to a halt on a different floor, you hear the entire group of riders heave a frustrated sigh.

these elevators are enough to drive a sane person crazy, a nice person mean, any time during the year. during the holidays, however, the hatred seems to have reached a critical mass. i've witnessed frustration on a new level: twice in two days i've been riding the elvator with women (wasp-y looking women at that) who have vocally vented their anger, heaving a pissed off "JESUS CHRIST" every time the elevator stops on a floor.

it's not just the elevator, though. the christmas season seems to bring people to some sort of critical mass. everyone's maniacally, incessantly telling each other "merry christmas!" "have a happy holiday," they say with a crazy look in their eye. it's like being forced to shop, forced to cook, forced to drink and be merry is just too much for some people. like, sure, it's exciting. but does it matter if you haven't made your 25 fruitcakes yet? you don't have a present for your sister's new husband's cousin yet? big deal, i say. yet to some people, it's a very big deal.

that's why i'm just giving out coal for christmas. actually i can't afford coal, so it's just rocks painted black. but i can't afford paint, so i'm just giving out rocks. christmas rocks.