schneller, bitte, schneller!

as hilary's already mentioned, we're going to the ottobar to sing smith's/morrissey karaoke tonight. and when i say "sing," i mean "watch," because both of us are seriously seriously (srsly, even) scared of karaoke. i have no idea why, since we're both trained singers. there's just something different about karaoke--i think it boils down to this: when you're onstage in a recital situation, there's this kind of separation between audience and performer. like, unless the people in the audience are also classical singers, they really have no business judging your performance. many of them do anyway, but fuck 'em. in karaoke, on the other hand, you're putting yourself in some bar-centric pop realm, where everybody's drunk and everybody's a star. even though you know what you're doing, technically, nobody else there knows that. you're just some other joe schmoe gettin' up there thinkin' he can sing. and so i've only done karaoke once in my life, and i was totally wasted, and it was "shoop" by salt n pepa and i was in virginia onstage with a drunk lesbian i went to high school with. so a very different situation.

we've threatened to go to smith's/morrissey karaoke for about two years now. for some reason we've never gone (probably because it's on a weeknight and we're old and don't go out on weeknights anymore), but we've started the six-week countdown to moving, so it's either tinkle (sing morrissey) or get off the potty (don't sing morrissey). so we're pissing all over baltimore.

before that, phong and i will go to helen's garden, a possibly-fancy restaurant with a very hardass-sounding reservations policy:

"Helen's Garden does not overbook and takes reservations very seriously. We take pride in seating customers on time. Our reservation system is designed from years of data gathered from our customers' actual dining habits. Based on these data, we observe the vast majority(95%) of our dinner customers' stays fall within the times that follow: parties of 2 stay 70 minutes to 1-1/2 hours, parties of 4 stay 1-1/2 to 2 hours and parties of 5 or more stay 2 to 2-1/2 hours. This is how we schedule reservations which may preceed or follow you. Consequently, the entire party must be present in the restaurant ready to be seated at the reserved time or risk forfeiture of the reservation at our discretion to prevent following reservations from being seated late. Please remember to allow time for traffic, parking, etc. If you anticipate the need for additional time please let us know in advance. We do this to serve you best."

data? risk forfeiture of the reservation? give me a BREAK! i'm going be all nervous going in there, straightening my tie, hoping that the big mean helen's garden nazis won't zieg heil me over to a table in that creepy room with all of those shower heads poking out of the ceiling.

nothing says happy valentine's day like a holocaust joke!