handshake and a smile

i spent a delightful evening last night, reminiscent of my days in spanish harlem. no, dear readers, i wasn't running away from puerto ricans screaming "faggot!" at me in spanish. i was laying there, drenched in sweat, trying (fruitlessly) to sleep even though my room was literally 85 degrees. i had memories of that summer at scott's house flooding back to me: rolling around, even a sheet too heavy, dripping sweat onto the pillow. it was that kind of night again, the kind of night where i take a sleeping pill and still lay there, awake, miserable, until 4am. of course it's my fault: i haven't bothered taking a cab to target to buy an air conditioner. mainly because i'm too embarrassed to get into a cab and say "take me to target on queens boulevard" and then try to call a car service from target, carrying an air conditioner. but here in new york that's the kind of things we do. because we don't want to lay there bathed in our own sweat.

speaking of being awake until 4am, i had another audition today. the wonderful thing about my job is that i was able to take it in the middle of the day--it's flexible enough that i can just make the time up by coming in early and staying late. the audition was for a really nice guy who runs a company called american opera projects, a group that stages new chamber operas. now, is this exactly up my alley? yes it is. is it something that would be awesome to be involved in? yes. am i expecting to be cast, since i sang well? not really.

i don't say this to be pessimistic at all; my musician/actor friends will know exactly what i'm talking about. you just go, do your best, and then kind of wait for the rejection letter in the mail. all the people at my job were excited for me today, saying they were a little nervous for me. i told them, trying not to sound too jaded, "i'm not nervous. it's just something i do."

which is true. i take a lot of auditions, most of which lead to nothing. auditions aren't exciting or special. they're about as exciting as waiting in line at starbucks, but at least at starbucks you know you're going to leave with a delicious tall skim latte. all you leave auditions with are a handshake and a smile. if you're lucky.