Monday, August 21, 2006

a happy new york story

something happened yesterday that, before it happened, existed only in my nightmares. no, dear readers, i wasn't hate-crimed on the street; no one broke into my apartment or pulled a gun on me on the subway. what happened wasn't, i suppose, a direct threat to my well-being. that's not exactly true. my emotional well-being has taken a direct hit.

so i'm sitting in my living room yesterday finishing torch song trilogy (as a side-note: if you haven't seen this movie yet, go rent it. it's old, it's by harvey fierstein, and it's unbelievable.), getting all weepy and enjoying my cereal and coffee and having the house to myself on a sunday morning to get all weepy and enjoy my cereal and coffee. torch song ends, having hit a little too close to home when it comes to harvey's relationship with his overbearing mother, and i swirl my coffee around in its mug, then take a last gulp.

there's something in my mouth that feels like plastic; like a bit of candy bar wrapper. for a moment i think that i might as well just swallow it--when's the last time somebody died from eating a candy bar wrapper?--but i change my mind and spit the wrapper into my hand.

it is not a wrapper, however, dear readers.

it is a

COCKROACH.

A DEAD COCKROACH.

A DEAD COCKROACH THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS:
in my mouth. a dead cockroach in my mouth. i fling it onto the oriental rug and spring up off the sofa. i don't scream, i don't cry. i'm just dumbfounded. i shakily go to the bathroom and swish a full mouthful of mouthwash, way more than the bottle tells me i should be using. i go back to the coffee mug, go back to the dead roach on the rug. in my mug is another dead cockroach. they'd been having, i don't know, cockroach synchronized swimming or something. while i drank my coffee.

and no one is home. i'm alone in my house with my two dead cockroaches, one of whose texture i can still remember in my mouth. i call hilary, her phone is off. i call amanda, who's on the train. i call terry, who's in bed with his new boyfriend.

this is it, readers. we have done everything in our power to get rid of these roaches: we have diligently cleaned; rid the house of any paper laying around; gotten traps. the next step is the roach gel. oh, and calling my landlord to tell him that he needs to pay for an exterminator.

because i drank a roach yesterday morning.

11 Comments:

At August 21, 2006 10:52 AM, Blogger midwest princess said...

That is beyond horrifying. I can't believe you didn't throw up.

 
At August 21, 2006 12:00 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

That completly beats Ryan's cockroach in the ear story. I'm so sorry - you should drink a few extra vodka martini's to kill the germs.

 
At August 21, 2006 1:05 PM, Blogger Clairee said...

This is the most hilarious/horrifying story EVER. I wanted to puke just reading about it.

 
At August 21, 2006 2:28 PM, Blogger Contrabaixista said...

OOOOOOOOOOOO

MMMMMMMMMMMM

GGGGGGGGGGGG

 
At August 21, 2006 2:28 PM, Blogger Contrabaixista said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At August 21, 2006 2:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Look on the bright side...had you still been in Baltimore, that could have been a used crack pipe instead!

 
At August 21, 2006 6:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a great recipe for them... seems to be popular with the new fusion rage. Let me know if you'd like them lightly-battered and fried or simply sautéed for Friday.

 
At August 21, 2006 7:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get Boric Acid. It's cheap and it works. Just put it everywhere that creepy crawlies could come in. As long as you don't have a pet. The pet will eat it and die. (Don't eat it yourself.) Line the walls of your apartment with it.

 
At August 21, 2006 8:47 PM, Blogger Contrabaixista said...

Cockroach Synchronized Swimming!

Hey, they died for their art. That's dedication!

 
At August 22, 2006 8:02 AM, Blogger Ratface said...

9 comments and none about what else has been in your mouth?

 
At August 23, 2006 11:25 AM, Blogger Red said...

They must have heard Harvey Fierstein say "cocka-roach" in his inimitable voice earlier in the film (when he does the sign language stuff) and come for a look.

BTW, love, love, LOVE Torch Song Trilogy.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home