like the jews out of egypt

today, i think, i will end my self-imposed exile. since the moment on the godforsaken baltimore beltway when the life i saw spread before me shifted and i had to pull the car over, i've been splitting my time between hilary's and tom's houses, living out of three whole foods paper sacks, and periodically going home to fix food and change out my whole foods bags. i've avoided going to my apartment because it just doesn't seem like my apartment anymore. for some reason it feels like i'm on someone else's turf, with someone else's purring cat tucking herself under my arm. being at the apartment makes me evaluate even more than usual; i see our (or what used to be our) brown-striped walls and green bedroom and think, we did this. we did this together. we did this when we were starting our life together, and now things have to be reinvented.

today, i've decided, today i will try to begin that reinvention. i will pretend that the man who sleeps on the futon and eats the food i cook and does homework while i watch tv is my roommate. he's already transformed himself; maybe he did a while ago and i was too busy with work and cleaning and practicing and otherwise filling up every moment of the day to notice. for me the change taking a bit longer.