paging sexy banter

thank god i have literate friends. let me just say that first off. whether it's ben in boston, or michael or cory here in town, i get free editorial advice every two weeks before i send the final version of my column off to the editor at gay life. it's always such a weird feeling, sending a final submission to scott, the editor. (with any luck) the piece has gone through a few changes. i think that, given the opporunity, i'd be the worst kind of writer: i'd keep revisiting the same short work over and over, changing it and tweaking it until it barely resembled the piece it started out as. kind of like trent reznor. why'd it take five years for him to make a shitty album like the fragile? because he'd finish a song and then two weeks later change the reverb on one track. then two weeks later he'd go back and switch it back to how it was to begin with. before you know it, five years has passed and you've put out a work that means a ton to you but that no one else cares to understand. luckily for me, i've got two weeks for each one. when they're done, they're done. i have to commit to it and send it off. it's oddly like giving birth, except that there's no pain, sadly no drugs, and when you're done what you're left with is a piece of fag-centric literature instead of a baby. so i guess it's not that much like giving birth.

the thing is that once you hit the send button, what's done is done. the next time you'll see it, it'll be in print, circulated to dozens, if not three-dozens of readers. (just kidding, gay life guys!)

after cory read my submission this week, he said "oh, it's good." i said, "are you just saying that because you're feeling lazy and don't actually feel like giving me constructive criticism?" he said no, but then went on to tell me three or four things that could've been improved.

the main one was that the piece was too pessimistic. that's always the problem with my writing, i think: if i write a piece that's not overtly pessmisitic, it comes out being too flippant. or it comes out being stupid. or something that i wouldn't even want to bother reading. this column (and this blog) was born from my breakup with terry. it was a way that i could get everything out that was in. but that was months and months ago; yet i find it hard to change the tone of the column. hmm.

and, frankly, it's hard not to be pessimistic. i read a blog entry like hilary's "shit storm" from yesterday and find myself agreeing: if nothing bad has happened in a while, you're overdue. your car will break down or you'll get mugged. i know it's not a good attitude to have, or from which to write. so it's no wonder that i write sentences like "you're responsible for the inevitable demise of the relationship." thankfully, cory convinced me to take that happy little nugget out of the finished column.

ok, enough headswimming for today. the next entry will be filled with funny, sexy banter. i promise.