dear temp job

dear temp job,

listen, i have to tell you something. you're probably not going to like it, but please at least try to hear me out. try not to get upset or throw a temper tantrum or start randomly firing people like i know you have a tendancy of doing. just try to stay calm, temp job.

i don't know exactly how to say this, so i'm just going to come right out and say it: i'm leaving you. and no, it's not what you think. there isn't anyone else. ok, so that's not exactly true. there is someone else, in fact, and i'm leaving you for him. his name is permanent position at mt. sinai medical center, if you must know. but don't bother trying to look up his phone number and address to make harrassing phone calls at all times of the night. i've already warned him about you and his number's unlisted. oh i know, temp job, i know that you're part of corporate america and that you have your ways, but you're wasting your breath.

do you think this is easy for me? do you think it was easy breaking the news to miriam, our crazy temp agent in midtown who threatened to "shoot herself" when i told her i was leaving you? who said "well, what am i going to do now? i'll tell you what i'm going to do. i'm just going to shoot myself." the thing is, temp job, i think she just might be crazy enough to do it.

you should know one thing. i've been cheating on you the entire time we've been together. it's true. blogger, google chat, the new york times, even baltimore's citypaper. i've been ignoring you practically since i met you, but somehow you keep coming back for more. i'd almost think you needed me. almost, but not quite, temp job.

i can't blame it all on your mother, the VP of sales with whom i constantly had to deal during our relationship, nor can i blame it on your repetitiveness, or even your lack of respect. the main reason i'm leaving you for someone else is simple: he's offered to pay for my crohn's care. that's something you'd never even consider, you cheap bastard.

oh, and he's better in the sack.

yours,

robert