opposite day

for the last week and a day i have been (some would say unhealthily) obsessed with andrew bird's latest album, the mysterious production of eggs. listening to it on the way to the office today, i thought i'd share some of his fan-fucking-tastic lyrics.

from "opposite day":

today was supposed to be the day
molecules decide to change their form,
laws of physics lose their sway.
and youthful indiscretion now is suddenly the norm,
with the good kids sprouting horns.

and today was supposed to be
just another day
today was supposed to be
just another day
today was supposed to be
opposite day

those who cannot function in society at large
will wake to find themselves suddenly in charge
while those the world's set up for,
who are really doing quite well,
we'll wake to find them in institutions,
in prison, or in hell.
in prison, or in hell.

but if you think there's something else, well you're right.
there is--there's something else.
but if you think i'm gonna tell you, think again.
why should i even think of telling you what it is?
yeah, 'cause silence is knowledge
and knowledge is power.
i'm on explicit orders to dare not speak its name.
listen up, i just work here.
oh i dare not speak its name.
i can't keep talking about it.
whoa, i dare not speak its name.

wouldn't it be fun, i thought, if i woke up one day and discovered that it really was opposite day, right here in baltimore, maryland, the city that reads, the greatest city on earth? here are a few things you might notice on that most magical of days:

• you're driving through east baltimore and every single pedestrian is using a crosswalk and obeying traffic signals
• you're shopping at express men's and all the male employees have on pleated pants and bad shoes. gasp--they're all straight!
• you're buying your sexual lubricant and a candy bar (ahem, peter) at rite aid and the checkout girl greets you with a friendly "how may i help you," while efficiently ringing up your order
• traffic jams are reported across baltimore city, as drivers halt traffic by insisting their fellow drivers take the right of way
• maryland governor robert "bob" ehrlich introduces pro-gay marriage legislation
• robert opens his paycheck to discover that he's earned 26k a year singing and a mere 5k as a full-time secretary
• president bush holds a press conference, calling his war on iraq both "unnecessary" and "foolish"
• when asked whether or not they like taco bell and don pablo's, robert and terry cry, "ew, yuck! never...do you know how bad those places are for you? it's like eating dog food!"
• when walking through the halls of peabody, you hear girls yapping on their cell phones in english instead of korean
• while hosting 'buzzer' at grand central, tia chambers is clear-eyed and present, correctly pronouncing words like "savannah," "barbados," and "damask duvet"
• all of the people robert talks to on the phone at work have names like john, susan, carla, or christopher

those are real opposites. they're not as florid as andrew bird's, but goddamn they'd be surprising.