i regret to inform you that we don't have any roles for you at this time.

i've just returned from my annapolis opera audition; terry's still asleep because he was up until something like 4 am. i didn't sleep well, knowing he was off roving the town, but that's beside the point.

the audition went really well; the panel was complimentary (though that means absolutely nothing). i've gotten to be weird about auditions, though. i go into them so sure of my own failure that i'm not even nervous anymore. i just go in, do my thing as best i can, smile, charm 'em, and get out. then i wait three weeks for the rejection letter.

is this a bad attitude to have? shouldn't i throw myself into these situations, confident that i can wow the panelists into hiring me? that no one else out there can offer them what i can? that's what classical singer magazine tells me to do.

or is this a highly-evolved protection mechanism against my own nerves? my entire life i've been bad at auditioning. onstage, i really open up and sing well. in audition situations, though, i choke. every time. by convincing myself of my own failure even before i get to the audition, am i just trying to make myself stop caring about it, thereby getting rid of any nerves? i can say that the audition i just did went really well, partly becuse i just went in with the attitude that i was going to show these people what i had to offer, whether or not they wanted to hire me.

and i sang well. maybe defeatism has its merits.