pretty pretty princess

i had to go to nyc this weekend for an audition, which you'll know if you've been good boys and girls and have been faithfully taking your daily dose of the reluctant receptionist. as usual, i took the train because a) it's faster and more relaxing than driving and way faster than the bus; b) the people on the train don't call black plastic trashbags luggage; and c) i'm a princess. i'm such a princess that when someone suggests i take the bus instead of the train, i become indignant. "i'm sorry," i tell them, "but i'm just not bus folk."

this holiday weekend (yay, presidents!), though, i might as well have been bus folk, because i was treated to the most heinous train behavior i've ever witnessed on both the trip to new york and the trip back . usually the people who can afford amtrak are middle-aged snotty business people or snot-nosed (see a common thread here?) college students. not saturday and sunday, though. these two days will go down in infamy (if for no one else but me).

saturday:

crazy, baltimore-looking black couple (no, they're not baltimore-looking just because they're black. sheesh. if you lived in baltimore you'd know what i'm talking about) perpetrates the following inexcusable offenses:

1. use of one (1) walkie-talkie style cell phone. these cellphones should be banned from the face of the planet earth, and especially have no business in crowded trains, elevators, or funerals. however, they are used all the time at all of the above three venues;
2. when not using the cell phone as a walkie-talkie, allowing it to ring loudly, extendedly, and repeatedly because the cell phone ring is your favorite rap song. you listen to said rap song and boisterously rap along with it for a while before answering the phone;
3. causing a ruckus that sounds something like a jill scott-style family reunion, replete with collard greens, potato salad, and lemon meringue pie;
4. laying on each other, snoring;
5. after everyone has gotten out of their seat and lined up to deboard the train, standing up and shoving people out of your way so that you may deboard first.

those five are really all i can remember. i've blocked everything else out and will have to go into memory recovery therapy to uncover the rest. stay tuned.

sunday:

crazy dominican woman with 1.5 year-old baby:

1. allows the baby to scream literally from new york to baltimore;
2. talks in a voice that's louder than me when i'm yelling, in spanish, on her cell phone in an otherwise quiet train car;
3. refuses to teach her child english even though she's raising him in the united states (ok, so that's really not something that has to do with amtrak or my general train experience; it's also blatantly white-centric and is a statement that would keep me from getting elected to any public office in south texas. but with all the border-town abductions going on in south texas, why would i want to run for office there anyway?).

while these offensive behaviors were transpiring, i kept thinking to myself, this is why i ride the train--to get AWAY from you people! if i'm going to keep being such a little princess bitch, i'm going to have to start riding in business class.